I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
