You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
