if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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