As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Floor bacon is actually really good
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
