Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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