Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize