just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
