i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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