Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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