wake up i wanna do it froggy style
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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