when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
