Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
