you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize