Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
