I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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