plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
