When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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