i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
