I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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