recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
