I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
