my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
