so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just pee around me
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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