Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
