Please, let me fuck your mom
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize