At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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