I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Randomize
