Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
