May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I need to wash the frat house off of me
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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