Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
