I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
How does one acquire holy water?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
