Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
