Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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