I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
