What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize