Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
