We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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