Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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