I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
