He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
