I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
