its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
