Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
