i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize