A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
