Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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