So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
