So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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