i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
