hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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