Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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