Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
