he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
