theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
