Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
