I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
