I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
