just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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