My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
