I met the friendliest cop last night
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
