you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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