I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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